white coat syndrome

Yes, I have it. Always have and I probably always will.

No matter if I have to see a dentist, OBGYN or even an eye doctor, too. I even get it going to Lens Crafters picking out a pair of glasses. What is the big deal? I have no idea, but I still get nervous. Maybe because I'm lucky that I don't have to see too many doctors. I think about a time that may come and I'll be there more than usual – and that scares me.

I know these are all professionals (let's hope) that are experts at their jobs. I know they do this day in, day out. And I know they have seen it all – hopefully not all of me. Until then, I'm off for my REFRACTION. That is what it said on my reminder from the doctor. I actually had to look it up – why doesn't it just say "eye exam"?!

How to poop at work

Below is an email my younger brother sent to me today. I don't know who the original author is, but I feel I know them very well. I will refrain from adding my own comments and giving names to these descriptions to protect the not-so-innocent. Enjoy.

–––––––
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANAOMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever – could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

SOME VARIETIES
The King Poop – This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop – You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block – You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) – Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop – The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler – The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper – The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The saga of the screened in porch - UPDATE

I rushed home through traffic last evening to be home at 6:30. Our handyman was to show up at that time to make his final repair. By 6:55, I thought he was a no-show. Why did I even get my hopes up? As soon as I was falling back into a "why won't he call or show up" rant, I heard noises on the porch.

These noises could have been a couple of things – so I wasn't quick to investigate. Lately, weird noises have come from the cats, a bird freaking out because it is stuck in the porch because of the hole, or the cats freaking out at the bird that is stuck in the porch because of the hole. I wasn't looking forward to any of these.

The noise was our handyman fixing the porch. He was ticked. The late phone call by the new "bad cop" M worked. Maybe too well. I had to think quick, as the last thing I wanted was a pissy handyman, especially since we had not been given our bill and the job was not complete. There are certain people you don't want to piss off: your waiter BEFORE you get your food, your mechanic BEFORE you get your bill and completed work, your dentist at any time, as well as your OBGYN – for obvious reasons. I've added handyman to the list now.

I apologized for the late call from M, and said made him look like the dummy, not me. That will teach M not to be there when we have an appointment at 6:30. Yes, I threw him under the bus as fast as I could. As soon as I mentioned M forgot that it might be late to call if you have a baby, the handyman snapped out of his mood. 

An hour later, and me doing small-talk with him, the job was finally finished. There is no way I would have been able to do what he did in that hour. It is just not in me to stand the wrong way on a ladder on a deck, pound on the side of a house and get the screen in the right way. It is about as bad as me trying to sew or bake. Just not happening.

I never told our handyman any of my prepared speeches for all the rantings in the past 5 months. I just couldn't. I know I can be a real beast, but thought it was not necessary.

Am I really that nice and don't know it? This is the guy who didn't return my calls for 5 months after all. He surely had it coming. Maybe I am "all talk and no action"? I must be slipping. Or maybe – just maybe I was so glad to finally have the porch fixed sans $5 doors, pillowcases, holes, birds and bird poopy that I actually forgot to be pissy. Needless to say, I have a porch to clean and prepare for the season. Let's hope nothing else needs repair around the house, as it will be September until our handyman shows up.

The saga of the screened in porch

We built our house and treated ourselves to a screened in porch. Due to the nature of our lot, we had our builder create it with the original structure of the house. Our house plan had a perfect place for a side porch – and Patio Enclosures suck.

We paid a lot for the porch and expected it to be great. And I know we paid lot more than $5 for that door, too. We're 1 of 2 porches out of 200+ homes. We are known as the "house on the corner with the screened in porch". We hear comments from other homeowners that they wished they had thought of it, too. It makes me smile because I know how nice it really is. Or is it?

The builder gave us a hefty price on the addition but what did the builder do? They installed a $5 door. (see image) Nice. We didn't approve it on our walk-through, but it was an oral disagreement. Mistake #1. Mistake #2 was that we orally negotiated a new door with an employee at the builder. Of course, that person was eliminated before we received our new door. Wrong person. Must take note to quit making oral agreements.

The $5 door became a problem the first night in the house. It didn't have a locking mechanism other than a hook. As if a hook will keep a $5 door from rattling with 2 mph breeze. That first night I had to invent a way to keep it from rattling when even a bird farted. So I folded up a white pillowcase in between the cheap door and the frame (see image again). There – that fixed the rattle, but now we have a pillowcase in our door and everyone can see it. "The builder will replace it, so it is ok" I can keep hearing me say. That day never came.

We hired a handy man to replace the door because we eventually gave up. We now are the proud owners of a very nice door for our porch. The only thing is that it is not finished.

A year ago, we had the handyman over for an estimate and for him to look at our situation. He approved and said he'd buy the correct door for us, install it and we'd all be happy. Wrong.

Five months later, he finally installed the door. Of course, he took off that cheap $5 door and realized he had ordered the wrong size replacement. So at this time, we don't even have a $5 door. And it was nice outside. But with a hole instead of a door, the porch was unusable. This caused numerous swear words from M.

It is now five months later, and we still don't have the project complete. The screen above the new door is missing. We now have a 40" x 14" hole. It is the perfect size for birds to fly in and make a mess in our porch. They can find the way in, but can't find the way out. It has caused stress to M and the cats (as M is the official bird-shoo-er in the house).

I have pestered and nagged our handyman's wife for the past month because he's never home. I know he's busy, but we have a bird tunnel now. Surely me telling her that will get him over. I told her we have not paid for the door or the labor, too. I knew that would get her to have him finish the job. Bu that didn't work, either. hmmmm

Dad said that the screen replacement would be pretty easy... so just try it ourselves. Ha. Eleven years of college between M and I and we couldn't figure it out. And we were almost there, too. Damnit.

So M called the handyman at 8:45 p.m. last night. We know he has an infant in the house – but we didn't care after his ignoring us. He said he'd be over today. 

All we want is reliable help at an honest amount. Why is that so hard to find? We are willing to pay for your service and expertise, but at least show up to finish the job. If he doesn't show up today, I still have that nasty pillowcase to strangle him.

We can breathe again

We heard great news this past week.

1. Everything is ok at work – for now. Keep your head up and smile, move forward and do your work. Don't create any commotions, too – just in case. I can do that.

2. Our friend who had been let go after almost two decades of loyalty is also ok. While still on severance (see said years of seniority), he scored a great job. Can you say double-dip? He totally landed on his feet – so he can relax now and actually enjoy this time off until he reports in to his new position. The unknown is really scary, so it takes a while to get over it and to move on with life. Now it is off to another chapter in his profession – and that, too is scary. I know he'll be ok. We always knew that.

3. This week is M's two-year anniversary with his new job, too. And in two years, he's had more positive feedback than in 10 at his previous company. It is great knowing he is thriving and wanted at his new job that he enjoys. Isn't that what we all want?

So, for now, we can all breathe and celebrate that everything is ok and live a little and enjoy life. :)

I'm a Wii™dow

Wii are the proud owners of a Nintendo Wii.

And when I say "wii" I mean M. The search for the all-and-mighty Wii has now been fulfilled.

This past week, M and I were at Target to make a return. I took advantage of having my coupons and my husband along – so we ventured throughout the store in search of things for him.

30 minutes into our roaming up and down the toiletries, house needs and pet food aisles, M had had enough. It was killing him he was with me looking at litter box deodorant and not in the toy department. By "toy" I mean electronics.

As we hit the back of the store - me in the real toy department and M in electronics, he waved at me in the center aisle. He had the excitement of a kid at Christmas and he could barely hold it in. M said something that I interpreted as - "I have to pee".  I ignored him and continued on my quest for cool toys for the upcoming gifts for our nieces and nephew.

M found me again, with a Target bag now in his hand. As I looked down at it, I realized he didn't have to pee... I left him unattended in the electronics area and they had a Wii in stock. What he was saying is "They have a Wii". The bag contained the conquered game system, two games and an additional controller. He said the extra controller was for me. Uh- huh. Some type of nunchuk was also included. Like I need a nunchuk.

Our drive home must have seemed like eternity as M rushed to get the Wii hooked up and broken in. He reorganized a section of the family room to make sure it fits the perfect way. If that is what it took for him to help organize with excitement, I'd have had a Wii years ago.

I went into the other room, to allow him to get acquainted with his newest best friend. I could hear banging at first (re-organization), a bunch of strange beeps (personalization of his Mii) and then really weird noises of beeps and someone moving around (M bowling). An "ugh", "d'oh" and then a "yes" afterwards meant he was able to knock over some of the bowling pins, I had figured.

At this time, it was time for me to meet the new mistress in the house. She is white and stands about 8" tall and she sits underneath our family room TV. She has an extra controller, but I have yet to use it, however; I was allowed to touch it once. She will allow you to personalize your players to look like you (Mii) and name your player, too. She tells the time, the weather and will allow you to play with other addicts online. Of course, I have yet to do any of these. I'm sure there will be an appropriate time when I get introduced.

Until then, I'm enjoying that M is really happy with his new mistress, er, friend, uh, toy. :)

Still Waiting

No news is (hopefully) good news. The day is not over.

Cell phones

I have one. Most people do. But I don't live my life around it. I know I am not that important.

I don't think most cell phone users have any idea how they live around their phones.

How did we survive without them?

We changed that flat tire on the road.

We bought the correct items at the grocery store by ourselves.

We rented the correct movie on our own.

We picked up take-out all by ourselves.

We were late, but we arrived there any way.

We were distracted by passengers or the radio only.

We wore watches to tell time.

We went to restaurants and enjoyed the live conversation.

We got lost, but asked directions.

We waited to tell something unimportant.

We had long distance at home.

We read old magazines while waiting for a haircut or an oil change.

We were jerks while driving – because we were just jerks.

We were in traffic accidents and accepted help from others.

We used pay phones and calling cards.

We were overhead paged at work.

We didn't take pictures of silly things.

We had no idea what LOL and OMG meant.

And we survived without them.

I still wear a watch and I know what OMG means. I know how to change a flat tire but admit I don't know if I would now. Yes, I'm aware cellular phones are a huge advancement. But I don't think people today think how unacceptable their phone behavior is. If you remember the year 1990 or before, you know this. If you were born after 1990, you have no clue.

What gets me most are the people in their 40's who know better. But they don't. Why not?

Hand-me-downs & the icky van

My parents bought new patio furniture. Being the smart and opportunistic child, I "called" the old stuff as soon as I heard the news. As for old, dumpy, used stuff - it just doesn't exist at my parents' house. Anything they offer, LaZBoys, fridge, tvs and patio furniture - equals good stuff. And yes, I have been the recipient of all these things.

You have to know, though, that there are rules to the free stuff. It usually comes with a date that you have to have it out of their house. Easy rule usually - except I don't own a pick-up truck, large suv or van. damn. This means you have to figure out how to get the freebies out of the house by said date. Not always an easy task.

We borrowed M's brother's van - which by the way, also happens to be a hand-me-down. I love my brother-in-law and his wife and kids dearly. And what is theirs is ours. In this case, their van for the day. The only thing is that their van is icky. Yes, I'm a spoiled girl saying this - it is really, really, really icky inside. It has not seen the likes of a dustbuster, vacuum cleaner, Windex, or even a napkin – although I saw a used one on its floor. Seriously, the last time the van was cleaned was when they visited my in-laws and my father-in-law offered to have it detailed. I'm sure him seeing a piece of pepperoni on the seat had something to do with it. Again –nothing against my brother-in-law, but he is the worst car cleaner ever. He is, however, very generous with his van.

So ickyness aside, we ventured in the van. M is used to driving a sports car – so he had difficulty driving it. He actually lost his "street cred" that he usually has while driving. We took the van to pick up our new grill on the way home. We visited Lowes the night before, but we weren't too impressed with their assortment. Plus their free assembly means you get it when they're ready.

We decided to buy locally from a small business downtown. A nice place with better brands. His prices were slightly higher, but he took 15% off – which made the deal the same as the cheapola ones at Lowes. Plus, we bought a better product with better service – and we bought locally. I wish most people would try to buy local and support their cities this way.

We picked up our patio furniture with plenty of space inside the van. The napkin did not get in the way – but I knew where it was at all times. We unloaded the patio furniture and then we loaded up another hand-me-down and took it to Goodwill. We even tried to buy mulch because we had the van for the entire day. We decided against the mulch because it really is too soon here.

We dropped off the van with a full tank of gas as our "tank-you". It was bothering me, but I left the napkin in the back, because it might have been a hand-me-down, too. :P

The Waiting game

This week there might be tough news at work - due to $.

This is going on at every major corporation in the country, but it still stinks when it happens. It impacts everyone eventually. Today's economy is proof. Hopefully, we'll hear final word and everything and everyone will be OK. We've been hit harder and we've gotten up and shaken it off before. We can do it again and no matter what happens, I know it will be OK. Now we just work and wait.

The Pedegg

While home sick before Easter, I saw this awful ad.

I think I'd shoot myself if I had to watch daytime TV and daytime ads full time. I noticed that most shows are in one of these categories: soap operas, something to do with babies or baby animals, home improvement, self improvement or have a judge as the main character.

The daytime ads are for lawsuits, medicine, retirement plans or cleaning supplies (household and/or personal). The Pedegg ad fit perfect into the ad rotation in between "A Baby Story" and "Judge Judy". Being sick, this ad didn't make me feel any better.

I realize personal hygiene is necessary, but do they really need to show how handy this product is? Ok, we get it. People have gross feet. The before and after shots are lovely. The filings disposal image made my nausea kick in. And they had to show the white filings being dumped into a dark garbage can, too.

A friend of mine said it looks like a cheese grater. "Parmesan cheese, anyone?"

Not only does the company produce the regular Pedegg, but they also offer a Platinum version. Rushing out to get mine right now.

Potty peeves

Ok - I have some issues with public bathrooms - especially those at work.

#1: why oh why can't women flush a toilet when they're done? How can you miss the fact that you did not flush? It is easy: you pee, wipe then flush. In that order please. Two year olds get it - why can't you?

#2: is it so obvious that the 3 major rules about going to the bathroom must be followed by the last: wash your hands. Ever notice that the cafeteria workers and benefits / healthcare people are guilty of not washing their hands? I have. Not cool.

#3: why do you have to sit in a stall right next to me when it is empty? Are you the same person who sits near me at the movies? At the airport? At the grocery store? While I'm picking out a greeting card? Are you people person that much?

#4: if you can afford fancy paper towel dispensers and motion sensor faucets, why not buy decent toilet paper? Or paper towels that actually dry your hands? And the faucets should have hot and cold water - not just cold. The cafeteria workers who actually do wash their hands are doing so in cold water.

#5: those toilet bowl paper thingies are a bad design. They're made out of a paper that is like that at the doctor... and they stick to you like at the doctor. Bad design.

My two year old nephew could show the ladies how it is done. I'd hate to see their bathrooms at home.

April Fool's

Today is not a big deal to most people, but we always celebrated this day when I was a kid.

My Dad used to "get us" on this day... a gag before school or something silly when he got home. We used to think up ways to get Dad days before... but he usually wouldn't fall for them. You can't prank a prankster.

M and I did manage to get Dad a couple of years ago. We had blocked a date with my parents for a trip. M called my Dad to let him know we couldn't go, even after locking in. We made up a story that his parents had bought plane tickets for the same time, so we had to go with them. My dad freaked out and was totally ticked. The only way we could get Dad was M making the phone call... as Dad would figure it out it with me or I'd laugh and give it away. When M told him it was April Fool's Day - my Dad was so relieved. Yes, we fooled the fool, himself.

Today is our friend's birthday, too. I wonder if he is mad he has to share it with a silly day. My birthday is on "national do nothing day". hmmph.

Today is our two year anniversary with Jake. We brought him home from the APL - nice April Fool's Day joke he turned out to be. What a stinker of a cat.

Today is also my older brother's 19th wedding anniversary. I can't believe he's been married so long. It snowed that day, and it was hot in the evening.

I wore a dreadful magenta dress in the wedding. I had to wear a hair thingy that his mother-in-law made... even though I had super short hair. I looked like a pink stuffed sausage in that outfit. I ripped my dress after the wedding, but before the reception. So I had to wear my rehearsal dress at the reception. I was at my heaviest weight at that time too, so I felt and looked terrible on their special day. Standing up for them made me realize how bad I felt about myself because I looked terrible. My sister-in-law bought my dress with me being 500 miles away. It was a size LARGE. I can't fit into a large today. The $ she saved on the dress was spent having it tailored to fit my 300 + pounds. No wonder I had wedding issues afterwards.

I didn't stand up for my younger brother years later because I remember how uncomfortable I felt in that dress - as if I was on a parade with other girls in the same dress. Ugh, I could not go through that again. I had lost most of the weight, but just couldn't think of having to wear the same kind of dress as other girls half my size. I ended up hurting my brother by declining, but I hope he got over it. I ended up being part of their ceremony by doing a reading instead. A much better job for an older sister with dress issues.

I made a promise to myself I'd never make anyone wear something like that magenta dress if I ever got married. And I didn't. My matron of honor has this day to thank for being able to wear her favorite outfit at my wedding.

19 years ago, while driving around after the wedding and before the reception (before I ripped my dress), my sister-in-law wrote on a restaurant mirror "April Fool's" with lipstick. The joke's on them, as they are still married and still work hard at their marriage. :)